The Revolution Continues....

When thinking of life as a movie, have you ever wondered if it were your movie or if you were just co-staring in someone else's?  it bugs me a lot cause I see myself as the co-star in someone else's love story, where there's Him & Her, & I'm that other girl that dates Him for a while until he realizes he really loves Her.  Or I'm the lead character's little sister who gets a punch line or two throughout the movie.  Or maybe the best friend, four or five names down in the credits.  I've tried looking @ life as my movie but it's like a bad attempt @ going solo, like Joey without the other Friends.  I tried to be the star of my own movie but Ebert & Roper gave me 2 thumbs up my ass, sent me crying & told me to get myself together.  & that's where revolutionizing my life comes in...

 

I don't really miss high school.  I miss feeling like a have a home.  Graduating kinda left me homeless.  It really left me everything-less.  Rebuilding myself, reinventing my rationales, that was suppose to be the revolution I needed to be the star in my life. My movie.  But it's hard.  I gave my heart away to someone.  How stupid am I?  Now I'm tryna revolutionize my life without a heart. (like that'll really work) To make life easier, my advisor sent me on a soul searching mission over the summer.  I searched all over Philly, I searched Las Vegas, DisneyWorld, Harrisburg, Wildwood, everywhere.  I found nothing.  No hint to where my life is going, what I'm doing, what I want, nothing.  So I'm revolutionizing my life with no heart or soul.  great.

Where there use to be a plan there is now no rhyme nor reason.  I just wake up everyday in the hopes that the Lord'll keep me living, James'll keep me loving, & my friends'll keep me laughing.  I keep waiting for something to spark, consciously knowing that that spark is waiting for me.  I'm just stubborn.  I'm gonna star in my own life one day.  All I know right now is that not everyone returns for the sequel…the ratings change with your mood…and we have no control over casting.  So, until I'm the star…the revolution continues…

My Next Man

                                 The next man that loves me,

Is gonna have to love me,

Just as much,

If not more,

Than I love myself.

Ain't gonna be no,

Giving up on,

Giving in to,

GIVING,

Without ever,

Receiving,

Anything.

When he looks at me,

He's gonna have to see what I see.

A beautiful black sister,

With eyes that elevate,

And emulate,

Endurance,

A smile so strong,

That I can laugh my way,

Through anything.

And body,

Well,

It be "The Bomb",

They say,

But mind be the bomb too,

And it be ticking,

Turning words into weapons,

That will help,

Rewrite this nation.

He's gonna have to

Feel what I feel,

When he moves inside of me.

A craving for

Commitment,

A desire,

For doing the right thing.

Ain't gonna be no,

Falling to sleep

On my feelings,

Or,

Sitting back and relaxing,

With his feet up on my heart,

Cause a sista's soul

Ain't no place to be taking a nap.

The next man that loves me,

Is gonna have to love me,

Like I love,

My children,

My creator,

Like I love,

My ancestors,

My people.

He's gonna have to love me,

Like I love myself,

And maybe,

Just a little bit more.

~Pat McLean

Walking on Diamonds in NYC

About 9:30 Saturday morning, Andrew, Peyton, & I were just getting onto the turnpike to NYC. I had been to the Big Apple only once before which was last summer during our one-day excursion on Canal Street. But this time was different.


First, Andrew & I checked into our hotel, a Holiday Inn Express about 3 blocks away from Times Square.  It was a very small hotel but the location was awesome.  After putting our bags down Andrew took me thorugh Times Square to where they sell tickets to Broadway plays.  It was freezing out but the excitment of being in the city warmed me up. After about half an hour in line we came to find that there were no more tickets left. A little ticked off we returned to our hotel & watched some TV.
It was about 1:30 when Andrews parents arrived and much to our surprise his dad (who has connections about all around the world) had somehow gotten us tickets to "Beauty & The Beast". So we changed into our Sunday best and headed past Times Square once again to go see my very first Broadway Play. It was amazing!!!  My favorite part was "Be Our Guest". I'm still awwed by the colors & the music & the costumes & even the story  which I knew by heart.


When we got back to the hotel I got to meet Andrew's cousin, Megan, who was the reason we were in NY.  She & her husband just moved in from Canada & the family hadn't seen them in a while.  & I have to admit, Megan's life is like a fairytale. She's been around the world & now is settling down in NYC of all places.  So after a fancy dinner in some restaurant I can't even pernounce, Andrew & I walked Megan back to her hotel, the Waldorf Astoria! You know what Im talking about if you've ever seen 'Coming To America' which was my absolute favorite movie growing up so you can imagine how excited I was to get a tour of the whole gorgious hotel as well as their suite.  It was really beautiful, the entire hotel, not just the suite.


After that tour, Megan took us to Rockefeller Center, where I had never been.  We watched the people ice skate for a little while & then moved on.  Once we got to Times Square Megan left for her hotel & Andrew & I wondered through the stores, including that huge Toys R Us with the actual Ferris wheel inside.


It was almost 10 o'clock now so it was dark but you would never know it the way Times Square is lit up.  & New York doesn't light up like other cities do, everything moves or spins or shakes. I had been in heels for hours so my feet had went numb so I could walk & not feel a thing.  The mica in the sidewalk made it seem as though we were walking on diamonds. I liked to pretend we were.  Everything in NYC is extra, nothing is ordinary.

The Little Blue Engine

The little blue engine looked up at the hill.

His light was weak, his whistle was shrill.

He was tired and small, and the hill was tall,

And his face blushed red as he softly said,

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

So he started up with a chug and a strain,

And he puffed and pulled with might and main.

And slowly he climbed, a foot at a time,

And his engine coughed as he whispered soft,

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

With a squeak and a creak and a toot and a sigh,

With an extra hope and an extra try,

He would not stop-now he neared the top-

And strong and proud he cried out loud,

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

He was almost there, when-CRASH! SMASH! BASH!

He slid down and mashed into engine hash

On the rocks below…which goes to show

If the track is tough and the hill is rough,

THINKING you can just ain't enough!


~Shel Silverstein

Sharks Tooth

I got a B on my Biology exam. good. I got an F on my Biology lab. bad. I had two group projects and presentations due tonight. I had a music exam this morning. I have an environmental science exam tomorrow morning and a speech to give on Friday. To make things worst ANTM started last week & it comes on every week while im in Bio lab. nice, huh?


when i was little i used to be afraid of water. i wouldnt even go into a swimming pool without holding on to the side. well one day, I was about 7 years old, it was the beginning of the summer. my big sister gave me this necklace with a shark's tooth on it. she told me that if you wear a sharks tooth in the water you cant drown. "It's impossible," she said, "if you go under, you just float back up."


Now i was one of those gullible kids who believed every single word that my sister told me. whether it was "ants help you breath" or "paper comes from clouds" but for the next two weeks we went to the pool everyday & everyday I splashed around in that pool like there was no tomorrow, once or twice I even snuck into 5 ft. i didn't care, i couldn't drown.


But anyway, one day I went under water & I just started moving, splashing & kicking, & when I came up for air I was about 5 ft from where I was when I went under. & thats how I learned to swim. My sister told me I couldn't drown, so I didn't. But really, i believed it was the sharks tooth. For the rest of my life whenever I felt like I was "drowning" i put it on. When I was failing Steiners class senior year, the first time my heart was broken, and when I had no friends. & every time, I've floated to the top.
I didn't bring my sharks tooth to college with me. I wish I had it now.