So far, 2012 has been a test. It's been a string of long days weaved into long weeks stacked into long months. Not long like, I've-been-so-busy-and-I'm-exhausted-at-the-end-of-a-long-satisfying-day long. But long like, that day you have absolutely nothing to do, the weather is awful, all your friends are busy, you have a hundred books & movies but don't feel like reading/watching any of them and you just sit with your nose pressed against the window ready for tomorrow & something to do but time is dragging like a 95 year-old's breasts, long. 2012 has been like that day, that kind of long.
Moving back to Philly after a year of traveling, it's like constant ants in my pants. I returned to the job I had in early 2011 and with new management and a new crew, it's not exactly the job I left. A long distance relationship, going back to school after a two-year hiatus, and living at home again. Also, countless interviews, all adding to a pile of disappointments. That's been my 2012 thus far.
Everyday I say a prayer or two and every prayer is pretty much the same. At the end of each prayer I'll tag on any special thanks or requests. In my usual prayer I always ask for patience. But since this year began, in the special request part of my prayer I've been asking for more patience. Triple the patience. Dumptruck loads of patience. And eventually, "All the patience one person can possibly muster, I need it."
Impatience was the reason for my frustration and uneasiness throughout the 1st half of this year, I just knew it. With more patience I'd be better equipped to deal with the new people in my life, new situations, new feelings. No. In the past week, in no particular moment of enlightment, it occurred to me that what I've been seeing as a lack of patience has actually been an over abundance of tolerance. And likewise, there've been situations I've refused to tolerate when I've should've had more patience.
Enter June. The month. Not a person.
If you've never thought aout the difference between patience and tolerance before, it's easy & probably common to see them as one in the same. I think it took for me to reach my frustration limit to see it. But patience is what you use with the things that are out of your control. Tolerance is whats used with things you can control. My advisor during my 1st year of college used to tell me, "Everything in life can fit into one of two categories; Things you can control and things you can't." I'm now finally understanding.
People are tolerated, unless they're a part of your life you can't control, i.e. co-workers. Then you have to just be patient with who they are, without tolerating the things you shouldn't have to. Situations such as the weather or waiting for a job to call you calls for absolute patience. There's nothing you can do to change anything. Somehow 2012 made me forget that I'm one of the most patient people I know. And If I feel otherwise maybe it's not a matter of patience at all. Maybe I'm tolerating something I shouldn't be.
I spent the 1st week of June cutting ties, laying down laws, speaking my mind and unfortunately hurting feelings. But June is finding me a bit less stressed and more free because I'm tolerating so much less & I'm no less patient than I've ever been.
