Good Charlotte

This time of year 8 years ago I was just beginning my life at Saul high school. We all had to complete a month of summer courses before being admitted into the school. I remember that July like it was yesterday. That was the summer I stepped into who I am. I switched from Air Force Ones to Chuck Taylors. I started listening to different kinds of music. I started painting on everything. I stopped trying to fit in & tried to build a life that would fit me. I stopped looking at what was cool & started looking at everything. That summer I sort of wiped my life clean & started from scratch. Like clothes, I let my wardrobe go & asked myself, “If there were no styles, no trends & no dress codes, what would you wear?” And something in me answered, “T-shirts. I kinda like graphic t-shirts.” And so I started wearing nothing but t-shirts. And my entire taste in music changed. And I chose my music the same way, by pretending that nothing was popular & no one could hear what I played. Everything was based simply off of what I liked & what I wanted. And at 14 years old one band in particular caught me; Good Charlotte.

Their poster from back then is still up on my wall. Their single, “The Anthem” became my anthem. They were the soundtrack to my teenage years. Their music added to the changes I made. As I stepped into who I am, their music was there. And in the last 8 years they’ve come to Philly several times to perform. And of course no one would go to a Good Charlotte show with me because that kind of music isn’t cool where I come from. So I missed show after show after show. At some point in your life you wake up & realize that the majority of your regrets don’t come from things you’ve done but things you haven’t done. So when the Bamboozle Roadshow came to Philly last Sunday I bought myself a ticket and went. Good Charlotte was gonna be there & I didn’t wanna regret missing them anymore. It was hot that day too. 96 degrees. It was at Festival Pier, on the waterfront. I got there at 10:30am. Waited in the sun until the gaits opened at 12:30. Got inside, got some beers, something to eat, met some cool people, ran into some people I already knew, got some more beers, and by 4:00 the show was starting with a band I knew nothing about. At 5:05 Simple Plan took the stage, & they’re a band I can sing along to, and I did. Then I started feeling sick from the heat & the beers. I told the girls I was with that I’d be right back & I took a walk around.

At 6:00 sharp I saw a familiar bowler hat hit the stage, followed by an identical man in a black cap… then Paul and Billy and Deano. And by myself I raced to the stage & got pretty close, forgetting that I was sick. I was high off my eyes because I was finally seeing Good Charlotte for the very 1^st time after all these years. And when they started, they started with ‘The Anthem’. I swear I was 14 years old again, jumping and screaming and singing at the top of my lungs. During Benji’s guitar solo this guy next to me shouted, “We’re over thirty and we’re both singing like teenagers! Wooooooo!” Everyone, no matter how old they were, was a teenager during ‘The Anthem’. After Good Charlotte I went home. The show stretched until after 11 o’clock that night but I was hot & drunk & sick & absolutely sun burnt. But I won’t forget the crowd surfing and water fights. I had a blast last Sunday.

I remember that summer, this time of year, 8 years ago, when I discovered Good Charlotte, when I stepped into who I am, I had dreamed of a day like last Sunday. 8 years later I got it. And having a dream so simple as seeing your favorite band live come true, it makes me wonder about the fate of my other dreams. But for that short half hour or so I felt 14 again, when the only thing I wanted was to see Good Charlotte. And there I was & there they were…. And just like that I had everything I wanted.

The Day I Tried to Save the World

I’ll be honest… when I woke up this morning my plan for the day was to save the world. It was my first day of my canvassing job for Penn Environment. When I 1^st went to the interview for this job last week I was stoked, excited to get a job that wasn’t retail, I was ready for it. But then the interview started & I found out that it was a canvassing job, which was exciting and intimidating at the same time. Standing on a crowed city corner tryna convince people to give me money to save PA’s parks wasn’t something I was crazy about. But I was crazy about doing something positive.

I remember the day I was approached by a Greenpeace canvasser on 16^th Street over a year ago. His name was Guillermo & I walked right past him at 1^st. Then I looked back at him, he smiled at me and said, “You look like you wanna save a Polar Bear.” These were the magic words. Polar bears have been my favorite animal since I was a little girl and when I was 13 years old & learned that they were endangered, that’s when I became environmentally aware. That day I became a bit more vocal on environmental issues. And when I got this job I thought that I could be someone’s Guillermo.



When I got dressed this morning I was still a little iffy about the whole thing but I thought, maybe this is how saving the world starts. It was pouring outside so I put on my rain boots, grabbed my umbrella & headed out into the downpour. When I got to the office on Walnut Street I made my way up to the 6^th floor. It was 8am. For the 1^st hour they made me practice “the rap” which is the schpeel you’re supposed to say to people, and you’re supposed to know it word for word. They made me do it so many times I became irritated. Then my trainer, Mike & I headed out to our destination. Since I had no ‘Penn Environment’ shirt yet, I had to wear a ‘Penn Environment’ rain coat.


Mike is from Oakland, California. He came all the way out here to do this job. To canvass. That kind of passion and dedication for environmental work is very rare and I admire him for it. As we walked through the city to our designated corner some kid with long blonde hair started walking beside us. He explained that he had done numerous canvassing jobs in the past, the most recent for a children’s hospital. Mike asked him what their project was and the kid responded, “Uh, I don’t remember. Sorry, I smoke a lot of pot. But you guys keep up the good work!”


Our corner for the day was 12^th & Filbert, right outside Redding Terminal. By late morning the rain had stopped & it hit 88 degrees. My feet were sweaty in my rain boots and I couldn’t take off the rain coat because I had to wear something with the logo on it. And not only was I hot & irritable but I got a pretty bad headache too.


But comfort wasn’t a part of the job, I knew this. So I kept my mind on the mission. I was out here to save the world after all. In a nut shell, a canvassers job is to make people care about issues they probably don’t even know about. But as you know, most people walk right pass you, not knowing that you get credit for people who just stop to listen. I prefer the people who walked right pass me over those who felt the need to insult me or shout negative remarks. There were quite a few of those.


There was a bald woman in cheetah print tights who kept us company. She stood on the corner with us with a Styrofoam cup & begged everyone who stopped for money. This made people stop even less.
But I stood, planted on that corner and as the hours passed I became more & more miserable. It’s hard to feel like you’re making a difference when the only people who will stop to listen to you are middle aged men who want your phone number in exchange for a contribution. Around mid-shift I strongly considered giving Mike my jacket & binder & walking down to Market Street to get the bus home. Especially when Betsy returned with her Styrofoam cup and started drooling like an infant, all down the front of her clothes, onto the sidewalk.


I had so many conversations with old people who probably just wanted someone to talk to. One guy told me about how the mayor owes him a million dollars. Another guy told me stories about how he used to feed deer when he was a child. Riveting stuff.


The best part of the day for me was when I saw Mike down the street reciting “the rap” to someone. But I knew her. I raced down the street. I definitely knew her. Not personally but we had taken a writing class together the summer before. Her name was Sarah & she was the best writer I had ever known personally. I was very excited to see her, I said, “You’re the one who wrote the story about the guy and the obituaries!” She took my hand & said, “Yeah!” Then she recognized me. “Do you still write?” she asked. And in that instant I just wanted to go home & write so bad. I had wanted to do this, but now that I was out there doing it I felt completely out of my element.


After 6 hours, I got 16 people to stop and talk to me and I raised $15. I don’t think a single person took me seriously all day long. My head was pounding, I was sweaty from head to toe and I would’ve been starving had Betsy not ruined my appetite & almost made me sick, eating unidentified items from a nearby trashcan.
I truly wish I possessed Mike’s endurance and dedication. I woke up this morning excited to make a difference. But canvassing isn’t for everyone. I think I’ll have to find a different way to save the world.
　

I Had A Dream

I had a cool dream last night;

I was a member of an environmental activist group and we were overseas somewhere, I think Japan or Switzerland. How you get Japan and Switzerland confused, I don’t know but it was one of the two. It was really late at night and pouring rain. We were on a ship in the middle of an ocean. The boat belonged to some natives who were attacking whales and endangered shrimp (I’m not sure if any species of shrimp are actually endangered) and each of us had snuck on the ship & positioned ourselves in front of a net. Each net held a poor baby whale or a bunch of shrimp. There were police on the boat and we were all surrounded.

Then one of my team took a knife from his pocket. He cut the net he was standing by & the whale fell back into the ocean & swam away. One by one, members of my team cut their nets & animals fell to the water, free. And each one of my friends who did this was tazored by the policemen. I was afraid as I watched them fall to the floor shaking in pain. I stood there, soaked from the rain, with my own knife in my hand, staring at the crew & police who were staring at me, waiting for me to make a move. I was so afraid of being tazored that I didn’t do anything. A couple of my team members were afraid as well & didn’t move either. We were all arrested & put to work that very night in a muddy yard, digging holes. It was dark & we were all soaked & covered in mud in this foreign prison. After hours of digging we were taken to a very small house where we’d be staying. We were prisoners. But we were all smiling & laughing. We were having the time of our lives, covered in mud & all.

Then I woke up. & I couldn’t help but hate myself for not cutting that damn net. I know it was just a dream but I am so disappointed in myself. I’m that type of person, I know I am. I have the best intentions but when it comes down to it, I’m afraid. I never make a move when I should. That’s why my life’s where it’s at, cause I can think about doing things but when it comes down to it, I just stand there, afraid of being tazored. Then every day I wake up slightly upset with myself. Because I never just cut the damn net.
Tomorrow is Earth Day, what an appropriate dream.

How do I become fearless? I want to be the kind of person who can make a difference. I need to be the type of person who will, when the time comes, cut the net. How do I become fearless?

Thee Waiting Place

           "You can get so confused / that you’ll start in to race / down the long wiggled road at a break-necking pace / and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, / headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. / THE WAITING PLACE… / …for people just waiting. / Waiting for a train to go / or a bus to come, or a plane to go / or the mail to come, or the rain to go / or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow / or waiting around for a Yes or No / or waiting for their hair to grow. / Everyone is just waiting. / Waiting for the fish to bite / or waiting for wind to fly a kite / or waiting around for Friday night / or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake / or a pot to boil, or a Better Break / or a string of pearls, or a pear of pants / or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. / Everyone is just waiting

~ Dr. Seuss

Here is where I wait to see

Everything my life can be

I don’t know what I’m waiting for

But I’ll know it when it comes ashore

Waiting for someone special to call

Waiting for a far-off star to fall

Into my lap, just for me

To keep in my pocket surreptitiously

I’m waiting for the mail to show

With an envelope revealing a Yes or a No

I’m waiting for a few small words to be said

I’m waiting for a spark to go off in my head

So I know where to go and what to do

So I know how to live and with who

Here is where I wait to know

If I have what it takes to get up and go

Somewhere far, somewhere new

Do something great, be someone who

Is loved by many, known by more

But I’m waiting to see what I’m good for

Here is where I wait to see

Everything that I can be

I don’t know what I’m waiting for

But I’ll know it when it knocks at my door

~ Aja Dev

The Revolution Continues....

When thinking of life as a movie, have you ever wondered if it were your movie or if you were just co-staring in someone else's?  it bugs me a lot cause I see myself as the co-star in someone else's love story, where there's Him & Her, & I'm that other girl that dates Him for a while until he realizes he really loves Her.  Or I'm the lead character's little sister who gets a punch line or two throughout the movie.  Or maybe the best friend, four or five names down in the credits.  I've tried looking @ life as my movie but it's like a bad attempt @ going solo, like Joey without the other Friends.  I tried to be the star of my own movie but Ebert & Roper gave me 2 thumbs up my ass, sent me crying & told me to get myself together.  & that's where revolutionizing my life comes in...

 

I don't really miss high school.  I miss feeling like a have a home.  Graduating kinda left me homeless.  It really left me everything-less.  Rebuilding myself, reinventing my rationales, that was suppose to be the revolution I needed to be the star in my life. My movie.  But it's hard.  I gave my heart away to someone.  How stupid am I?  Now I'm tryna revolutionize my life without a heart. (like that'll really work) To make life easier, my advisor sent me on a soul searching mission over the summer.  I searched all over Philly, I searched Las Vegas, DisneyWorld, Harrisburg, Wildwood, everywhere.  I found nothing.  No hint to where my life is going, what I'm doing, what I want, nothing.  So I'm revolutionizing my life with no heart or soul.  great.

Where there use to be a plan there is now no rhyme nor reason.  I just wake up everyday in the hopes that the Lord'll keep me living, James'll keep me loving, & my friends'll keep me laughing.  I keep waiting for something to spark, consciously knowing that that spark is waiting for me.  I'm just stubborn.  I'm gonna star in my own life one day.  All I know right now is that not everyone returns for the sequel…the ratings change with your mood…and we have no control over casting.  So, until I'm the star…the revolution continues…

My Next Man

                                 The next man that loves me,

Is gonna have to love me,

Just as much,

If not more,

Than I love myself.

Ain't gonna be no,

Giving up on,

Giving in to,

GIVING,

Without ever,

Receiving,

Anything.

When he looks at me,

He's gonna have to see what I see.

A beautiful black sister,

With eyes that elevate,

And emulate,

Endurance,

A smile so strong,

That I can laugh my way,

Through anything.

And body,

Well,

It be "The Bomb",

They say,

But mind be the bomb too,

And it be ticking,

Turning words into weapons,

That will help,

Rewrite this nation.

He's gonna have to

Feel what I feel,

When he moves inside of me.

A craving for

Commitment,

A desire,

For doing the right thing.

Ain't gonna be no,

Falling to sleep

On my feelings,

Or,

Sitting back and relaxing,

With his feet up on my heart,

Cause a sista's soul

Ain't no place to be taking a nap.

The next man that loves me,

Is gonna have to love me,

Like I love,

My children,

My creator,

Like I love,

My ancestors,

My people.

He's gonna have to love me,

Like I love myself,

And maybe,

Just a little bit more.

~Pat McLean

Walking on Diamonds in NYC

About 9:30 Saturday morning, Andrew, Peyton, & I were just getting onto the turnpike to NYC. I had been to the Big Apple only once before which was last summer during our one-day excursion on Canal Street. But this time was different.


First, Andrew & I checked into our hotel, a Holiday Inn Express about 3 blocks away from Times Square.  It was a very small hotel but the location was awesome.  After putting our bags down Andrew took me thorugh Times Square to where they sell tickets to Broadway plays.  It was freezing out but the excitment of being in the city warmed me up. After about half an hour in line we came to find that there were no more tickets left. A little ticked off we returned to our hotel & watched some TV.
It was about 1:30 when Andrews parents arrived and much to our surprise his dad (who has connections about all around the world) had somehow gotten us tickets to "Beauty & The Beast". So we changed into our Sunday best and headed past Times Square once again to go see my very first Broadway Play. It was amazing!!!  My favorite part was "Be Our Guest". I'm still awwed by the colors & the music & the costumes & even the story  which I knew by heart.


When we got back to the hotel I got to meet Andrew's cousin, Megan, who was the reason we were in NY.  She & her husband just moved in from Canada & the family hadn't seen them in a while.  & I have to admit, Megan's life is like a fairytale. She's been around the world & now is settling down in NYC of all places.  So after a fancy dinner in some restaurant I can't even pernounce, Andrew & I walked Megan back to her hotel, the Waldorf Astoria! You know what Im talking about if you've ever seen 'Coming To America' which was my absolute favorite movie growing up so you can imagine how excited I was to get a tour of the whole gorgious hotel as well as their suite.  It was really beautiful, the entire hotel, not just the suite.


After that tour, Megan took us to Rockefeller Center, where I had never been.  We watched the people ice skate for a little while & then moved on.  Once we got to Times Square Megan left for her hotel & Andrew & I wondered through the stores, including that huge Toys R Us with the actual Ferris wheel inside.


It was almost 10 o'clock now so it was dark but you would never know it the way Times Square is lit up.  & New York doesn't light up like other cities do, everything moves or spins or shakes. I had been in heels for hours so my feet had went numb so I could walk & not feel a thing.  The mica in the sidewalk made it seem as though we were walking on diamonds. I liked to pretend we were.  Everything in NYC is extra, nothing is ordinary.